


if devotion is a river, then i’m floating away

by waterybrains



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: F/F, Fix-It of Sorts, I Don't Even Know, This One Just Kind Of Happened, Why Did I Write This?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-23
Updated: 2020-01-23
Packaged: 2021-02-27 14:55:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,219
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22369051
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/waterybrains/pseuds/waterybrains
Summary: “You look rough,” Vanessa says as kindly as she can manage, struggling to hide the annoyance in her voice until she gets a proper look at Charity’s face.  When she does, her stomach fills with dread and her mind is suddenly void of anything but how worried she is for Charity. “What the hell happened to you?”(Set post January 22nd's Ep, aka the Almost-Wedding Episode)
Relationships: Charity Dingle/Vanessa Woodfield
Comments: 5
Kudos: 96





	if devotion is a river, then i’m floating away

Vanessa doesn’t know what to think. 

Charity had sounded so awful over the phone and had hung up so quickly, and she’s finding it incredibly hard to stay calm. She’s upset, that part’s undeniable - she’s been dreaming of this day since she was a child, and she swears she hasn’t stopped smiling since Charity had first brought up finally getting married weeks ago.

Whenever she pictured her big day as a kid, she’d imagined a massive wedding: her in a big, puffy white dress, walking down the aisle with her dad in tow in a cathedral with ceilings that go up to the sky. Her imaginary ceremony would then be followed by a crazy party, hopefully attended by everyone she’s ever known. The image of a wedding is different to her now, and it’s not just because the person waiting for her at the altar is nothing like she imagined. But despite that, the thought of a different type of wedding didn’t occur to Vanessa until Charity’s very _unique_ proposal, and Vanessa had realized then that she doesn’t really need or want any of the fuss that comes with huge weddings. All she needs for their special day to be special is for Charity to be right by her side.

She’s been so desperate to be married to Charity - it was all she could think about early in their engagement - but life has thrown so much crap at them lately, and they'd forgotten about it. Things had kept coming up one after another and planning a wedding had crawled lower and lower on their list of priorities until it reached the bottom, which is why it had taken Vanessa by surprise that out of the two of them, Charity had ended up being the one to bring their big day up out of the blue. She had said it so casually, “ _Just us, Tracy and the kids?”_ and Vanessa couldn’t picture anything more perfect. 

Planning a secret wedding with Charity had been more fun than she could’ve imagined, and not at all as stressful as she had anticipated. They would go over the details of it together in the evenings once all the kids have settled, and Charity had been so giddy about the whole thing. Charity makes her feel like a princess: she gives Vanessa ten different options for everything and makes sure that Vanessa gets to have whatever she wants. She’s never known Charity to be more agreeable - anything Vanessa says she likes, Charity finds a way to fit in their wedding plans - whether it's something as big as the kind of flowers she'll be holding or where they're going to do it to something as simple as the shoes they're going to wear and whether or not they should have a bottle of champagne before they leave on the day. The only thing that Charity had really wanted was for the whole day to be a surprise for the kids, and Vanessa's honestly surprised that Charity had managed to keep it a secret for this long given how excitable she had been about the whole thing. She doesn't think she'd ever seen Charity look forward to something so genuinely in the time that Vanessa’s known her, and the whole wedding-planning process had made Vanessa fall in love with Charity all over again. 

Which is why when her phone rang and Charity was nowhere to be seen, she hadn’t jumped to the worst possible conclusions. _She won’t,_ no matter how devastated she feels over the fact that their big day isn’t going ahead as planned.

Because Charity loves her, warts and all. She’d said so herself.

Vanessa believes her.

She glances across the field and catches a glimpse of Tracy looking at her all funny, clearly concerned that Charity hasn’t shown up yet. Vanessa takes a deep breath and shakes her head ever so subtly at Tracy, who seems catch her hint and drops her questioning looks immediately for the time being. Vanessa knows she'll probably have to explain later, but her sister's tendency to stick her nose in is the least of Vanessa's worries right now. She musters the strength to keep a straight face before she walks over to where her family’s standing. It’s mostly for the kids’ benefit - if it were up to her she’d probably be throwing a strop right now - but she won't do it, not in front of the kids. The last thing she needs is for all of them to worry over something that could probably be resolved with a single conversation. 

**

When she gets home to an empty house, she’s even more confused than she was after Charity’s ominous phone call. She fobs off the kids and Tracy, makes up a story about Debbie calling and Charity needing to do something urgent and sprints up the stairs into the bedroom. She lets out a sigh of relief when she sees that all of Charity’s stuff is still where they left it this morning. Her wedding dress is laid out flat on the bed, and it’s clear to her that Charity had carefully placed it there so it wouldn’t crease or get crumpled. 

_Not what someone who’s ditching their wedding would do,_ Vanessa notes to herself.

She changes out of her own dress and carefully hangs it in the back of their closet where they’d hidden it from the kids. She hangs Charity’s up as well, making sure that they’re safely stored. Vanessa has no doubt they’re going to need it again at a later date.

**

Somewhere in the chaos of Charity’s day she manages to send Vanessa a quick text, and it had definitely helped Vanessa calm her nerves (but not by much). She shoots Charity a text back and spends the rest of the evening fighting off Noah and Sarah’s questions. They’re old enough to know that something’s up but Vanessa doesn’t even know how to begin to calm them down when she’s anything but, so she keeps on her brave face and puts them in charge of the littler boys in hopes that it'll distract them while she busies herself with cooking their tea. 

It’s nearly midnight when Charity finally makes it back in, and Vanessa’s surprised that she can hear the front door slam over the sound of her own heartbeat thudding in her ears.

Charity sneaks into their bedroom not long after, gently closing the door behind her and tip-toeing a few steps in before she realizes that Vanessa had been waiting up for her. Vanessa takes the state of Charity in: she looks terrible, smells of damp rain, and the delicate curls that had framed her face earlier now falls flat on her shoulders. 

“You look rough,” Vanessa says as kindly as she can manage, struggling to hide the annoyance in her voice until she gets a proper look at Charity’s face. When she does, her stomach fills with dread and her mind is suddenly void of anything but how worried she is for Charity. “What the hell happened to you?” She practically shrieks. 

Charity looks up at her then, and there’s a haunted look in her eyes that Vanessa hasn’t seen in a really long time. Vanessa _really_ doesn’t like it, wants to pull Charity up on it - but Charity doesn’t look like she's going to say anything anytime soon, and Vanessa doesn't want to push. She's relieved when Charity sits herself down by Vanessa’s legs instead, reaching for her hands and joins them together, her grip tight.

“Anything you want to tell me?” Vanessa tries again, and she swears she sees Charity’s eyes fill with tears before she rapidly blinks them away.

“I’m sorry, Ness,” She whispers, “I’m so so sorry about today.”

“You’re scaring me, Babe” Vanessa says gently, sitting up further. She flings the covers from her legs and moves to sit beside Charity, not letting go of her hand even for a second. “What happened?"

“Well, Graham locked Ryan in a shed,” She says, letting out a dry laugh like she’s making a bad joke, but Vanessa knows she’s being dead serious. She jostles their clasped hands, prompting Charity to continue.

”He's been getting Ryan to do his dirty work, and I'm not even entirely sure what happened, but God, Ness, he was in bits. I’ve never seen him like that.”

“Is he alright?” Vanessa asks, brows furrowing in concern.

”He’s fine. I just took him home and he’s a little shaken up, but he’ll be fine.” 

“Did you just sit with him all day then?”

”Well not exactly,” Charity replies, having the decency to look a little bit guilty, “I kind of went off on one.”

”What do you mean?” 

“Well, he was so upset, and when I left the house and saw Graham, just walking around town like he didn't just do to Ryan what he did, I just saw red, you know,” Charity takes a deep breath before she continues, “He’s hurt everyone important in my life, first Debbie with Joe, then Noah, and now Ryan. Even you, if you really think about it, with the whole taking Rhona to France thing. I just couldn’t let him get away with it anymore.” There’s something sinister in her voice that scares Vanessa. “I think I might’ve done something really stupid, Ness,” 

“What do you mean?”

“I’m not really sure, babe.” She whispers, “I’m not sure.”

**

After about half an hour of the same conversation over and over and _over_ again, Vanessa finally gives up her questioning. Charity's told her everything she could: how she had found Ryan, the gory details of her little showdown with Graham - and the more Charity tries to talk, the harder it is for Vanessa to understand her. The ordeal with Graham and Ryan had clearly rattled Charity, and Vanessa had to physically restrain herself from getting out of bed and marching over to Graham’s to give him a piece of her mind when Charity had told her all the things he had practically spat in Charity’s face.

Charity seems to have brushed it off though, had only mentioned it once for the sake of telling Vanessa the full story, and it hadn't come up again.

She won’t stop apologizing to Vanessa though, keeps going on about how sorry she is and how awful she feels to a point of incoherency and by the end of their conversation Vanessa forgets all her own pain and disappointment from today and her heart hurts for Charity instead. 

Charity’s clearly knackered, so Vanessa decides to stop her questioning for now and gets out of bed instead. She stands up and pushes Charity’s legs apart to make room herself until they’re as close as they can be to in this position. She tugs at Charity’s cardigan, pushes it up and takes it off her, and Charity wiggles her eyebrows and gives her a funny look. Vanessa just rolls her eyes, smiles and carries on - she unbuttons Charity’s jeans next, tugging gently at each pant-leg before tossing all the dirty clothes in a pile at the foot of their bed. 

“Sleep,” She says softly, pulling Charity back into bed once all her clothes are off. She tucks the covers over them, grabs Charity’s arms and places it around her middle, shifting backwards until they’re spooning, Vanessa tucked safely into Charity’s arms. 

They stay like that for a while, their eyes closed but both still wide awake, minds running at a hundred miles an hour with anxious thoughts that won’t leave. They’re breathing in perfect sync, and the silence stretches in the air between them and settles comfortably in the room. 

She’s not really sure why, but the nervous pit that she had felt when Charity didn’t show up is back and worse than it was. She chalks it up to the quiet - that maybe the relief of having Charity back in the room with her had allowed the stormy thoughts that had crossed her mind earlier in the day to creep back in - and now, with Charity draped across her back, overwhelming all her senses - Vanessa feels a desperate urge to share her scariest thoughts.

She doesn’t want them to suffocate her anymore, wants to let it out in the safety of their bedroom, where she’s sure nothing can get to her, because Charity’s _right here_.

“I thought you’d done a runner, you know,” She mutters quietly under her breath. She doesn’t turn to look at Charity, but she feels the tension in her body release when she feels Charity’s heartbeat quicken.

“Don’t be daft,” Charity’s grip around her middle tightens ever so subtly and she places a gentle kiss on Vanessa’s neck. She moves her hand so it’s flat against Vanessa’s stomach and pulls her in closer, rubbing soothing patterns back and forth with her thumb. Vanessa takes a shuddering breath and takes the moment in, memorizes what it’s like to feel incredibly afraid yet safe at the same time.

Despite the late hour, she’s more awake than she was before and she hangs on to every single word that comes out of Charity’s mouth like it’s the last time she’ll ever hear it. “I would never, ever leave you - you know that right? I love you way too much, Babe.” 

“I know,” Vanessa pouts, and she feels stupid for even doubting Charity in the first place, “It just freaked me out a bit. And I knew you probably had a good reason. You did have a good reason.”

“Doesn’t stop me from being sorry for ruining our big day,” Charity whispers, and Vanessa finally turns around in Charity's arms so she can look at her properly. She leans in until their foreheads touch, and Vanessa can’t help herself, so she plants a chaste kiss on Charity’s lips before pulling away to let her continue. Another apology spills out. “I’m really really really really sorry.”

“Oi,” Vanessa scolds, her face blossoming into a smile at Charity’s response. She marvels at how Charity can still make her laugh. Even at times like these. It’s her turn to soothe Charity’s worries now. They’re partners. Equals. They’re in this together. “Enough with the sorrys. It wasn’t your fault.” 

“The surprise was a stupid idea anywa-”

“It wasn’t,” Vanessa interrupts, “It was really nice, actually, and the look on the kids’ faces? It was well worth it, yeah?”

“But if we had just told them, Ness, the big ones at least - they would’ve had a chance to plan for it, then that stuff wouldn’t have happened to Ryan because he wouldn't have had to go ho-”

“No one but Graham is to blame for what happened to Ryan, do you hear me? It’s not your fault. None of that’s your fault. You’re a good mum.”

Charity scoffs,“That’s not what everyone else thinks.”

“Sod what everyone else thinks,” Vanessa has to take a deep breath as to not let that familiar anger consume her. 

“Tiny blonde rocket woman,” Charity teases, and it amuses Vanessa, but she ignores it. She’s not finished.

“You’re a good mum.” She repeats, this time her voice is louder but her tone is softer, and she makes sure to look Charity dead in the eye when she says it. "The best mum." 

“Babe-”

Vanessa holds up a finger to Charity’s lips in warning, and Charity’s amused. She looks like she has more to say but she clams up when Vanessa flashes her a look of warning and she lets Vanessa continue.

“Did I ever tell you that I used to feel so guilty all the time about Johnny?” Vanessa says, and Charity shakes her head. “I told you what I was like when he was born, and then the whole thing with Adam and Kirin, him not having a proper dad to grow up with, I used to worry so much about what it’d be like when he’s older and wants to know why he only has me for a family.” 

Vanessa takes a pause then, taking a second to collect her thoughts. What she’s about to say to Charity, what she wants to tell her, she needs to word it right. Needs to make sure Charity’s listening to her. 

“Do you know why I don’t worry about that stuff anymore?”

Charity shakes her head again. 

“Because he has you now, and that makes him the luckiest kid in the world,” Vanessa says, choking up as she speaks. Charity softens, and for the second time tonight there are tears in her eyes. Vanessa continues, “To get to be one of Charity Dingle’s lot, how amazing is that?” She smiles. “The way he looks at you and follows you around, how he hangs on to every single word you say. It might make me jealous if it didn’t make me so flaming happy, that the two of you are thick as thieves.”

At Vanessa’s words, Charity’s helpless to do anything but shakes her head and gulps in response. A tear escapes this time, and Vanessa takes her free hand and gently wipes them away from Charity’s cheeks.

She doesn’t realize she’s also crying until Charity shifts so her hands are cupping Vanessa’s face, wiping away Vanessa’s tears like she had just done for Charity mere moments ago.

“I mean it, Charity. He loves you so much, and so do I, in case that needs saying,” Vanessa lets out a laugh, and it lifts the mood a little. Helps keeps the tears at bay. “You’re a brilliant mum, and you’re a brilliant person, and I love you so much.”

“I love you too, you know,” Charity grins, and her smile is almost as bright as it was this morning, the dark shadow that had cast over Charity's eyes when she had gotten home seems to lift, and she’s places a quick kiss on Vanessa’s lips, “So, so much.” 

“I know.” Vanessa beams at her. She doesn't feel so afraid anymore, not when Charity's here and looking at her like _that_. She sighs in relief and chuckles, “Don’t think all this means you’re off the hook for a wedding, though,” 

“As if,” Charity quips. There’s a twinkle in her eye but it’s gone in a second. It's replaced by an overwhelming amount of sincerity instead. “We’ll find another day, yeah? Do it properly. All of us. And hey, maybe Debbie can come too. Rhona and all.” 

Vanessa doesn’t think it’s possible, but her grin widens and her cheeks _actually_ hurt from smiling. Her stomach fills with butterflies, and just like that, it’s like everything bad that happened today never really did. She doesn’t know why it still surprises her, how Charity always manages to lift the weight of the world from her shoulders. Charity makes her feel like she’s on top of the world, even on days like this.

“Yeah. Yeah we will.” Vanessa says through her grin and Charity pulls her in for another kiss. It's softer and slower than any of the ones they've shared throughout the day, and it fills Vanessa from head to toe with the kind of warmth that lingers. She turns in Charity’s arms after, shifts until every inch of her back is pressed against Charity’s front. 

“Gonna make a Dingle of you yet.” Charity says with a chuckle, pulling Vanessa closer,“I promise.”

  
  
  
  
  



End file.
